Welcome

Yes, welcome to unemployment. I was one of the many who was absolutely sure I'd find a job no problem, unemployment rates would bow down to my startling and hire-able skills. Cut to six weeks later and I have officially been turned down for almost everything I've applied for, including an assistant manager's position and the Nordstrom cafe. Awesome.

It didn't take me long to figure out that I might have some trouble. Particularly, it was after I was turned down for a job I didn't actually want. I remember walking out of that interview absolutely sure I was getting the position. I was going to uproot my life in Chicago, move back home and settle for working there in order to pay off my school loans and be debt free within a couple years (or I'd be dead after suffocating under my parents' roof at 25). Then, about a week later aka four days after the lady originally told me she'd contact me, I get an e-mail:

Hi Berit,

My apologies for the delayed response, as we’ve been finishing up interviews for our openings. We all really enjoyed meeting with you and really admire your passion for producing quality work. Unfortunately, the competition was strong and it was a tough decision, and we have decided to move forward with other candidates at this time. My hope is that you’ve had a good experience throughout the process, regardless of outcome. I appreciate your time and wish you the best in your future endeavors.

Thanks,

It was a blow. I didn't even want the position, but of course, I wanted to be wanted. I knew it wasn't a position I would be excited to take and I knew I'd only do it for as long as it took me to move on to something better, but could they really sense that? Was it written all over my face, because I definitely remember telling them all about how great I would be at the position and what a great fit it was. How did they know? Or was it worse; did I not qualify? Was I a crap candidate? Were there just throngs of potentials that outshined, outqualified, and outpashioned me? Of course, this was the onset of my insecurity regarding those aforementioned stellar-and-extremely-hire-able skills.

Well, actually, that's a lie. My insecurity really started to creep up and show its ugly, ugly head about the same time I resigned that I was not going to be hired by Groupon. The first position I applied to was with Groupon to be what's called a "Humor Writer." They’re the people who write the funny bits after the real content about the daily deal is discussed. They write for pure enjoyment and get to do it a lot. It sounded perfect; I didn't necessarily have to have experience as a writer so long as my submissions were good enough. I worked really hard on trying to come up with something funny and spiffy and smart. I also drafted a cover letter that basically consisted of a "greatest hits" of my facebook status updates. If you don't know me or if we’re not facebook friends, my status updates are usually long-winded, chocked full of dry-ish humor, and I try to make them as enjoyable to read as possible. I’ve had comments on these updates on more than one occasion that say I should be a writer and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t ridiculously flattered by the suggestion. I try to make the status updates funny and about nothing because, ultimately, no one really cares what you're doing or where you are, people just want to be entertained. If you're going to say you're at the grocery store, talk about what's on sale that no one needs or probably wants, or how the frozen meat section gives you terrifying flashbacks to Fried Green Tomatoes and that cop who couldn't get enough of the ribs. No one wants to just know you’re there for the sake of knowing you’re there. If they do, defriend them because that’s creepy. People want to be entertained way more than they want to be informed. So I figured if Groupon could see that my submissions reflect what I write on a daily basis, they’d surely want me and I’d be given a job in no time. Even better, I had an albeit distant contact, but a contact nonetheless. I thought I’d be a shoo-in and have the job within a week. I was mildly horrified when I didn’t hear back by 9 am the day after I’d submitted my application and borderline panicked when I hit the one-week mark. I started to accept defeat during the second week (all while frantically bugging my “contact,” who probably wished I’d never heard of her at this point, asking her if she’d heard of anything) and by the time I went to the I’m-settling-for-this-job interview, I was positive I didn’t get it.

Fast-forward a few weeks and now I’m waiting to hear back from a part-time retail position that I want simply so that I have a somewhat legitimate excuse to stay in Chicago. I went to a group interview – which is by far the worst idea any interviewer has ever had. Why anyone would want to subject herself to a group interview is beyond me. After going through this I now strongly feel as though I have an strong idea of what it would be like to be on The Bachelor, 25 women all vying for one man’s attention? Over my dead body. It was so fake and all the girls were trying so hard to not sound like a bitch and talk over one another, yet all were secretly hoping the other girls would get a stroke in the middle of their answers so they wouldn’t steal yours – with a professional soccer player, a professional dancer, and a girl who was on the company’s community research and development team. It’s a high-end athletic wear company, so of course they want people who “embody their lifestyle and culture.” Pardon me for hating euphemisms, but you say that and I hear that they want people who “have hot bodies to make people want to buy the hot girl clothing.” At the end of the interview the interviewer said that if she wants to bring us back, she’d call us to have us come work out with her early the next week (the interview was on a Friday). Well, today is Tuesday and I haven’t heard anything. I guess I don’t “embody the lifestyle and culture.” Shit.

So, I’m still unemployed and seem to be getting less and less employable. So, why not do what has become oh-so-popular lately and gripe about it over the Internet? I’m sure my stories aren’t totally unlike the other 14.9 million Americans searching for work. Let’s all sleep in, drink on a Tuesday at noon and contemplate legitimate reasons for why we’re continuing to “see what else is out there.”